dollar bills psycho roundup
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Being a big sports fan, I noticed this weekend that the children’s chorus from the Newtown School District not only sang the national anthem at the Knick game on Friday or Saturday (can’t remember which)…but also performed at the Superbowl yesterday down in New Orleans. I mean…what a whirlwind tour for those kids! What an experience! Like how lucky can you get? Of course the other side of that coin would be the 20 children and teachers who were mowed down by that freak just a few weeks back. Talk about drawing the deuce of clubs versus the ace of spades! I guess sometimes life ain’t fair!

Like yesterday morning, knowing that I had a lot of stuff to do before watching the game, I tried patiently and diplomatically to ease the girl who stayed over out the door for literally hours. But when I criticized her for soaking down my bathroom while trying to take a shower, she broke on me calling yours truly “nothing but a fucking trick” while releasing a fusillade of insults my way…all while seemingly oblivious to the fact that I had shit to do and that I’d given her way more time than anybody else would need to wake up, gather her belongings and move on! Talk about operating at the speed of molasses flowing uphill…she would be the poster girl! Not to be unappreciative of my position in the deck…I’ll take my momentary humiliation at the hands of a whacko to being one of those 20 teachers and children caught in a hail of bullets!

And talk about your ace of spades versus deuce of clubs syndrome, right in the middle of me desperately trying to move the aforementioned girl on, my phone rang with a Russian woman who booked an ad with me once like two years ago. I remember she was very uncharacteristically nice (sometimes Russian women can be – or at least appear to be – cold), good-looking in a blonde milfish way – and best of all, requesting to hire me to help her write some sort of 20 page paper for a school deal. 

We had an instant rapport the first and only time we met…and I seem to remember asking myself “maybe I should call this girl for a normal date?” at the time. (She was clearly not a pro – just dabbling.) Whatever, now I’m gonna get paid to hang out with her. And of course, I’ll be hoping for a little sexual harassment coming my way. Nothing like making love to the boss when she’s hot! Why not?

Moving on to a subject somebody might give a crap about…yesterday’s game turned out to be pretty good. I liked the no call in the end zone – even if there was a little holding going on. The niners had 4 chances to score and really fell apart for the last 3 plays. They didn’t deserve to win. Just my opinion. And even if they’d scored, Baltimore would have had 2 minutes and 3 timeouts to march the ball down the field for a game-winning field goal which given the 4 down reality, was almost a foregone conclusion. 

And Beyonce? Very hot – even if I dissed her yesterday for not having big juggs or a badonkandonk. At one point, I turned off the sound to concentrate on the visuals (a very different way to view musical performances as you notice a lot of stuff you don’t if you’re hearing what’s going on) and the entire presentation looked more like a pagan sex rite than musical showtime! Ditto with the promo for “2 Broke Girls!” Except that looked downright pornographic! Sometimes I wonder whether all that oozing sexuality has a place as a commercial or presentation punctuating a football game. Ya know…like when I wanna watch football, give me one of those Miller High Life commercials with the big, friendly black guy delivering kegs and stuff. And when I wanna watch a girl sucking some lucky guy’s boner, then I’ll go to xhamster. 

Whatever…the bottom line is…I think I’d rather fuck the “broke girl” with the big tits than Beyonce. That’s about what I got out of those two Superbowl segments. Hardly an uplifting sentiment I’m sure we can all agree. But on the other hand, I thoroughly enjoyed the tykes of Newtown singing the national anthem and America The Beautiful. At least, they weren’t dressed in mini skirts and thongs! Thank goodness and a little good taste for small favors.


The ALLURING RUSSIANS (646-384-8416)  that is! Maybe it’s time to take a break from all the Asians (or maybe not). Whatever…the girls are unphotoshopped and looking very blonde (except for one)! Here they are: 


Wow! I’m on a roll…and it’s all uphill with a couple of my independent customers. Yesterday, I related a quick tale about deleting a girl from my client list for the crime of being a high maintenance/low profit pain in the ass. But her MO pales in the face of yet another individual who is about one inch from being committed to Bellevue.

I expect to have some wacko clients. It comes with the territory. But when they get on the phone and rage uncontrollably simply because the wrong type of guys are calling from their ads…that’s a little too much. This particular girl is constantly hocking me to find her new places to advertise. And that’s all good except she refuses to acknowledge the fact that the reason she’s not doing better stems from her horrible phone demeanor and attitude. The woman is simply better than everybody and has no qualms about exuding that superiority. Not exactly a formula for success in the escort business. True, her body is remarkable but ultimately, she’s such a douchebag it would be hard for anybody but a stone submissive to put up with her bull shit.

Still, I do (or did) until yesterday when she really crossed the line. The monster had the audacity to threaten me with legal action for the crime of doing exactly what she asked me to do: post ads for her on escort sites. Never mind that I have a string of text messages telling me precisely the words she wanted in those ads I supposedly posted without her knowledge. And forget about the abusive language she used in some of those messages (“you’re a dirty American pig”). What a charmer!

And so…with no other choice in the matter, I pulled every one of her ads and thus, there is now no trace of this girl anywhere on the internet. Unbelievable. She was front page on “Adult Search,” “A-list” and on the top of the sidebar here, and on Backpage as well. Hey, honey! Here’s an idea: Try answering the phone like a human being instead of the egotistical, condescending and conceited animal you insist on being! Then maybe you might get somebody to visit you.

Anyway…”viva Korea” is about all I can say because lately, spoiled American hoochie mamas and German Nazi Eurotrash ain’t makin’ it for this guy. And this isn’t even about me having anger problems. It’s about takin’ out the trash – of which there’s too much in this business. And that’s why a little spring cleaning is always in order regardless of what season it really is. I’m not about to put up with spoiled brats or abusive beasts. My job is tough enough.


As we roll up on the dreaded holidays, I’d like to give a little thanks to (of all things) the Internet for saving me from what I used to call Deadline Season…six weeks of the year I dreaded every time mid-November came around.

Before the era of the Internet Adult Directory (Backpage, Craigslist and others), the premier venues for adult advertising were the Voice, Press and New York Magazine, all of which had early deadlines Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s weeks. And it was a total rat fuck. Not only did I have to call every advertiser the week before to warn them of their early deadline…but I similarly had to go see them…get their artwork done…and get their money a day early as well. Then I had to deal with publications whose employees had their feet halfway out the door for whichever holiday…a reality that inevitably brought omissions, mistakes, and lost income. One year, the agency I worked with decided to collect for both Christmas and New Year’s weeks during Christmas week! Imagine how that went over!

So this year I give thanks not just for the roof over my head and the food in my belly…but the gift of the Internet which has relieved me of all the stress Deadline Season used to bring. And while I’m at it, by pulling clients out of the Voice and putting them in other media which pay me a higher commission, I have now successfully recouped all the money the Voice screwed me out of when I worked there…yet another thing I give thanks for. 

Moving on…I tied a can to one of my independent customers and give thanks that I had the good sense to realize she’s a pain in the ass who was playing me. Not only that…the girl got me into introducing her to other escorts for the purpose of you-know-what. And right in the middle of the process, I came to realize via her bad influence, I was jumping the legal fence! Fortunately, the whole deal didn’t come to fruition but thankfully, I understood my error in judgement and pulled the plug. Breaking up wasn’t that hard to do!

So I guess I have a lot to give thanks for after all. And now to work! Enough of my bull shit.


Illustrative of the contrary nature of some escorts, I offer a recent experience as an iconic case in point. I have a client who lives for two things: Shopping and keeping her body totally fit. And if she isn’t with a customer, it’s a sure bet you’ll find her buying all manner of stuff she does NOT need – or working out on a stairmaster making all the local women jealous with her remarkable body.

While the girl is no Einstein (though she claims to be), she is bright enough to understand that part of keeping her ripped body in shape involves eating right – at least most of the time. So the other day, Miss Honey arrived with a gallon tub of ice cream of which two-thirds had already been consumed.

As she stashed what was left in my freezer, I got a look at how much she’d eaten in one sitting, and asked the obvious: “Girlfriend! If you’re so busy taking care of your body and watching your weight, why are you eating all that ice cream?” And she responded cheerily “I was at the pharmacy waiting for my meds and I went next door to get some ice cream while I waited.” Talk about obsessive/compulsive! Wouldn’t it have made more sense to eat an entire head of lettuce? But I didn’t bother to verbalize that thought. I knew it would have drawn a blank stare.

Well anyway…the next day I opened my freezer to get some ice and went straight for the ice cream almost as compulsively as the girl had the day before. But this ice cream wasn’t all that terrific. After several spoonfulls, I looked at the packaging and came to realize it was some of that bull shit low fat synthetic crap – and not really ice cream at all.

I don’t know…but I’m losing count of all the opposites in this anecdote. None of it really makes any sense. But then again, this girl sings nursery rhymes to herself frequently, and I’m not sure she has the emotional maturity of even a teenager. Whatever…she has a major body. And that’s what really matters in her occupation – which is why she does quite well despite all her protestations to the contrary (there’s that word again). The woman will complain all about how slow it is etc. But somehow, she has enough money for rent, the gym, constant shopping, botox and all the other not-so-necessary stuff she craves. Just more contrary shit to ponder – but only after I’ve done all my work and have nothing better to do than pick my nose! You get the idea.


ASIAN MODELS has restaffed their house and thus, I had a lot of work to do yesterday on their behalf (I hate pulling girls out of their backgrounds). But I was happy to do it. The house and their ads needed to be refreshed and now they are. I can’t tell y’all I’ve seen these girls (because I haven’t) but at least one is new to New York! So call and inquire and the manager will give you the 411. And here are the girls and their new ad.


Once upon a time, I had a crazy but beautiful latina girlfriend who after our first physical union, breathlessly whispered in my ear (in Spanish) that she wanted to pimp me out to all her girlfriends and take all my money! Whoa! Such a sweet talker! What goes on in the mind of an escort is too often a mystery beyond comprehension. 

Anyway…I tell you that stupid little story because sure enough…it happened again yesterday. But this time, the girl wasn’t about pimping my body…she was about pimping my persona! OK! So what the fuck is pimping a persona? What the hell am I talking about? So here it is:

Apparently, she’s been fielding a lot of questions from guys who are curious if she knows me…and am I a real person…and what kind of guy am I…and on and on to the point where the girl actually suggested it might be profitable for both of us if she books me at $300 per hour to meet up with guys to talk about escorts. And of course…she wants her half!

Now I get a fair number of dudes writing in asking if I wanna go have a beer and talk about babes and what not. But $300 an hour to access the barren space between my ears? I have about as much  chance of that happening as getting pimped out for sex to all the latina’s girlfriends. But still…I’m complimented. If only her business proposal ended with “Hey, Dollar! How would ya like a nice blow job? All this talk about you is turning me on!” Ya see…that would be a success story. Fuck all that crap about arranging meetings with guys for money. Yeah…whatever! No soup for me! Holding my own as usual!

Back to reality…I forgot somebody for my dumb ass A-LIST! Her name is BREE and she works at MY ASIAN GFE (646-326-9512)! What a cute girl! Now there’s an escort who can pimp me out anytime! She’s hot! And there’s something interesting about the place she works: Because the photos are untouched, what you’ll find when you arrive is that the girl you’ve chosen actually looks better in the flesh than in the pictures! And as we all know, it’s usually the other way around! Anyway…here’s BREE!


ASIAN PARADISE (347-256-7143) would like to invite all gentlemen of refinement and class (that leaves me out) to come visit the “new girl in town” (talk about an old hackneyed expression). Her name is GFE REGINA! (It’s on her birth certificate…I swear!) And here’s her lead pic. Go to their site to see more. And don’t forget to check out the newly updates A-LIST just below this post or on the tab above.

High time for an update on the A-list! So here we go!

The phone girls and I like to give the girls a grade as to looks and performance in the room. It’s not easy to get an A…but here’s a few who have made the grade. Enjoy!

1. CHANEL - HOT LIPS NYC - 646-309-0453 - With the perfect tan…the perfect face…the perfect body…and even the perfect attitude…CHANEL just might be my favorite K-girl in New York! During the hurricane, I crashed at HOT LIPS for the better part of 4 days and I never saw CHANEL be anything but cordial, friendly and as always…the picture of class, refinement and beauty! No bull shit. She’s a winner from A to Z!

2. SUNNY - HOT ASIAN - 646-841-4167 - Although SUNNY isn’t 22 anymore, she’s not just one of the nicest and prettiest Korean girls I’ve ever know – but the naturally bustiest as well! She doesn’t work all that often…but if you can get an appointment with her, you’ve scored a winner!

3. KYMBERLY - LOVELY ASIAN - 212-470-0409 - Sexxxy, sultry and exuding heat from every pore, KYMBERLY has a certain undefinable quality all her own that puts the girl smack dab on the A-list. And if you’re looking for an all-natural companion (which is getting increasingly hard to find), she’s your girl. Verrrry hot if you ask me!

4. BREE - MY ASIAN GFE - 646-326-9512 - If you like your Asian cuties totally natural and friendly, BREE is the one. She looks cute enough in her pictures all right. But the images don’t capture the intangibles which are so in evidence when you meet her in the flesh. Go visit and I guarantee…you’ll know what I’m talking about.

5. OSUCA - FANTASIA - 347-444-5580 - You don’t see her in her secretary glasses with her hair pinned up, but I do. And OSUCA is extremely cute and friendly out of her war gear. And of course in it, she’s equally attractive. She’s the type of girl who looks good when she wakes up in the morning (not that I would know from personal experience)..but you get the idea. Women like that don’t come a dime a dozen. 

6. JOLIE - GOLDEN ASIAN - 646-391-2639 - Once upon a time there was a really cute phone girl who worked for one of my clients. Sweet voice…perfect English…and the face of an Asian angel. And guess what! She has now dropped a few pounds and decided to go for the big bucks – working in the room! And the phone’s loss is the room’s gain! I’d see her myself but she’d be mortified I’m sure. Too close to home I guess! 

7. CINDY - ASIAN FLOWER - 646-639-1195 - Korean girls aren’t generally tall and naturally stacked. But CINDY is…and lately since they fired the phone girl, FLOWER has become a much more agreeable client. Yesterday, CINDY got the job of handing me the ad money and I couldn’t help but notice her awesome natural endowments. She’s pretty hot. I just never noticed before.

Take a little time to cruise some EROS ads and read the independent girls’ come-ons. Brutal! Totally soul-free and self- indulgent horseshit with numerous errors in grammar and punctuation. Just pablum clearly written by the girls themselves. And ya know…I could deal with those mistakes if the authors displayed some character and had anything to say other than “I’m beautiful…I’m awesome…I’m the center of the universe…and give me your money!” I’m not a fucking English teacher like that!

Well anyway…I generally write my independent customers’ text because it’s just so much easier and less painful that way. The last thing I want to do is debate with a client over some moronic phrase or other which means nothing anyway. If the guy likes her tits or ass, he’s gonna call. What she has to say is tertiary. So what’s the point?

Well…I tell y’all this because last night one of my bait-and-switch Backpage customers (I won’t allow her to use phony pix here even though she wanted to) e-mailed me replacement text for what I’d written in her ad. This I don’t have a problem with because all I need do is copy and paste whatever she wrote and put it in the ad. It doesn’t take a whole lot of time.

But I had to laugh because a)…the text was all caps – which to me connotes loud and stupid and b)…she’s now offering an excellent “rob down.” Too fucking funny…as in…”Invite me over so I can give you a good rob down!” What guy wouldn’t want that?!?!

I actually left it as it was for a couple of days and then reconsidered and corrected her error. Such a deal! So you call this girl and what you get is a lumpy middle-aged broad who doesn’t even remotely resemble the gorgeous picture in her ad and then? She gives you a “rob down.” And the woman wonders why she’s always slow!

Whatever…Einsteins and Hemingways they ain’t (as I said)…but at least occasionally, I can get a laugh from their rumblin’/stumblin’ presumption. 

Moving on to a little Page Six stuff…it’s my understanding that OSUCA is working at FANTASIA (347-444-5580) this week after all. So for the guys who have been asking where she’ll be…now you know. OSUCA doesn’t like this old picture. But she’s wrong! This is actually her best shot! And since this is a freebe – and I want it to work, I exercise my peremptory prerogative and publish the photo I know will command the attention of the reader!


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